Late, LATE night conversation

Last night we had friends from college come over to our house. Needless to say, lots of alcohol was consumed during the course of the evening, leading to this conversation between our friend Matt and Fred at about midnight...

Matt: "Do you have a hot tub?"

Fred: "No...."

Matt: " Well, you could put one in.. see where that palm tree is? You could take out the tree and put a hot tub there..."

Fred: " Do you think it could be done tonight?"

Matt: "Do you have an allen wrench?"

The Best Day Ever!!

That is my favorite SpongeBob episode, however, I am being sarcastic. It was NOT the best day ever. Two things I hate most were the highlights of my day today... excercise and physical injuries. I do not do well with either of these things, at all, ever. I am an enormous baby about both.

I started my day driving the kids to school, and then meeting my friend Tracy for a nice long walk. I always look forward to my walks with her because we laugh and gossip and she's always giving me good tips on restaurants and movies... that is the fun part of the walk. What I do not care for is the pain I feel after it, not to mention I am in a full sweat for a good hour after we part ways.. but I must say that if I HAD to choose only one excercise, it would NOT be the "Dumbbell Squats" or the "Bent-Knee Leg Raises" .. no, no, it would only be the "Walking with Tracy". That's it for me.

So, I think we walked about 6 1/2 miles, and I came in the house to make Bella's lunch. She eats nothing as I have mentioned before, so I had to decide between giving her a piece of Kix cereal, or making a real effort and heating up some Princess Spaghettio's. The Spaghettio's won. As I was opening the can, I was talking to my neighbor Leslie. I put the empty can into my overly filled trashcan.. I pushed down on the trash because it was overflowing, and in the middle of a sentence I said "Oh, crap, Leslie, I have to go, I just cut myself on a can of Spaghettios!!" and I pretty much hung up- it was that bad.

Oh my goodness, it was soooo bad. It bled everywhere.. I think if a detective came into this house with Luminol, the kitchen would light up like a Christmas tree- and I do NOT do well with blood. To make a long story short, I called Fred, he rushed home, drove up on the lawn, got me, and took me to the ER. I cried like a huge baby, and waited for 3 hours to get my 4 stitches.... So, now I have to do everything one handed for 10 days. Such a bummer. It was SO not the best day ever. Sorry, SpongeBob. But I'll see you tomorrow, Tracy!

Gross, But I promised I'd Post It!!!

HOW TO POOP AT WORK.....

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a...

FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occured.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life......

One of My Favorite Commercials Ever...

Maybe you have already heard this one before- I first heard it years ago and it still makes me laugh... This one and the "Work Bathroom Etiquette" are the funniest things I have ever seen- I'll have to post that one too at some point...






YouTube - Delta Airlines Ebonics Commercial

Hurricane Fun with Fay

Well, we're ready.... at least, we're as ready as we'll ever be. We've been through this before, with the all-day weather updates, the school cancellations, the frenzy for gas, water, and plywood. I am kind of over it, although I fear that someday those words will come back and bite me in the ass.
We didn't even know about this impending hurricane until a guy at Target asked us about it. There we were, buying back to school supplies, when I should have been stocking up on canned food, batteries, flash lights and crank radios. In all my ignorance, I was missing out on lining up for gas, plywood, and bottled water. I should have been home getting my insurance papers in order, my prescriptions filled, and my windows taped up, but instead I was trying to decide which protractor and compass would be appropriate for Jack's math class. Maybe I should have watched the news instead of Sesame Street that morning.
We did end up going to BJ's where Fred bought the 1000 pack of granola bars and soup, and we got water, flashlights and batteries. After subsequent trips to the grocery store, I think we now have enough food and water to last us a few weeks. I hope this is all unnecessary- The first year we were here, we had Hurricane Charley, and I was petrified. I don't remember the string of events that led up to this, but at some point the kids and I were in the laundry room with a mattress over us because there was a tornado watch in the area. That scared me to death. Fred was very nonchalant that time, laughing at me as I begged him to join us under the mattress.
Well, it seems, the tables have turned. I am being the nonchalant one, while Fred is in full-on hurricane mode. He was the one who told me stock up on food- so I did, knowing very well that in the event of a huge storm, Elisa and Bella could survive for a week on a single Cheerio. They eat NOTHING, so they are not a worry to me. Yet, I bought Pediasure and baby food to last a month. Every single piece of outside furniture has been brought in. Every flashlight has new batteries, we have a small TV all charged up and ready to go. Fred asked what we should do with our 2 garden hoses, and I said, " Oh, we should secure them- we don't want them flying up and strangling us in a gust of wind....." Maybe my being a smart-ass will come back to haunt me, I really, really hope not. And I hope the fact that I suggested to a friend that maybe Home Depot and the local weather man have a sweet deal all worked out doesn't jinx me. All we can do is wait and see.... oh and maybe go out and buy a generator!!!

Things you don't say to your wife....

This is a funny video a friend sent to me today.. and upon hearing it, I realized that Fred could have done a really good job adding things to this song. He sometimes says things that completely shock me, make me laugh hysterically, or, in some cases, make me not speak to him for a few days.... here's an example..

Years ago, we went to a Dunkin Donuts, and I was pregnant with Will. We ordered, I don't know- I think it was the 500 Munchkin box- ( I gain a LOT of weight when I'm pregnant... it's unreal...) So, I was sitting there in the front seat, fat and happy with my mega-box of Munchkins. And I said (out loud, unfortunately) " Is it me? Or are Munchkins getting smaller and smaller?" And Fred didn't skip a beat and he said, " Or maybe you're just getting bigger and bigger?" And then he burst out laughing....

I didn't speak to him for 2 days...


There are plenty of other examples I could share, but I won't. He IS a nice guy... deep, DEEP down.... :) Here's the song..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK2OakMoW_c

Kids Say the Darndest Things....

I have just about the worst case of laryngitis I have ever had in my life. And that is a huge bummer since this week is really busy, with the kids' Open Houses for school, back to school shopping, seeing people we haven't seen all summer.. being able to speak coherently would be really helpful and convenient right now. I was trying to talk to Jack's teachers, and he was bright red with embarrassment at my attempt at speaking. Sorry, Jack!!!

But at the same time, these precious little guys have said things that have made ME cringe, or laugh, or want to cry with how cute they are... here are a couple that stand out.

My friend Tricia and her daughter Makenzie took Elisa out today for lunch and a movie- and it was the best thing they could have done. I was able to take a nap with the baby while the boys and their friends played Wii. Elisa was gone for 4 hours, and when she came back she was so excited to tell me what she ate at lunch and how much she liked the movie. She saw Kit Kittredge- she loved it- and then they went to Chilis. Where, she said, she ordered "Mackyrony cheese and cornatthecob" . When she said that, I almost died thinking how much I love that little girl. Corn AT the Cob- I just love her!!!!

And then there was the time when Will was about 3 years old and he asked me, completely seriously, for a " Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with no peanut butter and no jelly, just ham and cheese, but no cheese....." He looked me dead in the eye and asked for that... thank God he wasn't with friends in a restaurant!!!

Hotel fun with kids.......

We're back! We spent 3 days at Disney with the kids to celebrate the end of summer vacation.. ( actually, the 'celebrate' part was more for Fred and me... Jack and Will are not celebrating this event at all.. ha ha ) We had so much fun... we went to Typhoon Lagoon on Friday and Blizzard Beach today. I am not a waterpark kind of person at all, but it really was a great time!!! However, the most fun we ever have actually occurs in the hotel room itself.... it sounds kind of boring, but my kids ADORE being in hotel rooms. From jumping bed-to-bed, going to the snack machine and the hot tub, this in itself is a theme park!!! Who knew?!? We always get a lot of laughs just watching the kids in the hotel room. Except for one time that stands out in my memory........not a lot of laughing involved here....

When Elisa was about 2 years old, we went to Disney for the weekend with my parents, and we stayed in a nice Sheraton in Orlando. It was perfectly situated... nice restaurants, a pool with a waterslide, a mini-golf course and a Dunkin Donuts nearby. Perfect. After the first fun-filled night, we got up early and Fred told me he'd take the boys to Dunkin Donuts, and he'd be back shortly. So, I took a shower, Elisa watched Dora the Explorer, and I started blow drying my hair. I suddenly heard the hotel room door open, then quickly close. Then no noise whatsoever. Fred couldn't have been back so soon. I realized that Elisa had opened the door and left the hotel room. SO, of course I did what any respectable mother would do.. I went after her... but here's where the 'respectable' part comes into question. I was in my bra and underwear. Only. And once I started out the door and down the hall after her did I realize that AND hear the door click. Only it went like this ..."CLICK!!!"

Fred had the room key, he was on his way to a Dunkin Donuts on a Sunday morning, and I was dressed in MY BRA AND UNDERWEAR locked out of my room with a baby . Needless to say it wasn't a pretty sight. So, I stood in the stairwell with Elisa for 35 long, painfully excruciating minutes .. smiling and nodding kindly to the occasional guest who unfortunately took the stairs instead of the perfectly functioning elevator...

This weekend we had no problems of that kind, but knowing Bella's personality, she'll somehow find a way to embarrass me even more someday... I think she's plotting to do something while I'm actually IN the shower, so I end up in the hallway completely naked. I can tell by the look on her face... she's got in in for me.... :) Of course I'll let you know when it happens!

My Favorite Fred Story

About 9 years ago, Fred said something so funny that to this day it will still make me break out into hysterics. Even if I am having the crappiest day, I can recount this story in my head and it will still make me laugh so hard. My husband is very funny- he's a quick one, but this one-liner took the cake.

We had spent the entire day in Newport, RI with Jack, then 2 1/2 and Will, who was a tiny baby. I was driving, and I noticed when we were about halfway home that the gas light had come on. We were running on empty... The exits were few and far between and I was convinced we were running on fumes alone. I was terrified. I am a panicker by nature, so I started playing out all kinds of scenarios in my head.. Would Fred have to leave us on the side of the road and walk or hitchhike (!) to the nearest gas station?!? What would happen to the boys and me deserted on the side of the road with no one to protect us??!! I got myself so worked up I could barely breathe, let alone drive.... clearly my brain cells were being deprived of oxygen... you'll see why....

I saw an exit up ahead, I took it, sped up to what I, of course, assumed could only be a gas station, and pulled up to a "pump". I looked at Fred like " WHEW!!! We made it! That was a close one!!!!" But he was just looking at me with a weird look on his face. Without saying a word, he turned, rolled down his window, and said to a gas attendant (remember those?) who WASN'T EVEN THERE......

" Hi!! Could you fill 'er up..... with VANILLA?!?"

We were at a drive-in Dairy Queen.

Paris actually being funny, and she can read!!!

I came across this on Perez Hilton and even though I do not like Paris Hilton much, I thought she was pretty funny in this video. Plus, on funnyordie.com, the 'Pearl the Landlord' videos with Will Ferrell are absolutely hysterical!!!


http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d

I no longer look like a Webkin!

I know you've lost sleep wondering how I was going to remedy my hair coloring fiasco. I know I did. SO, I wanted you to know I did achieve some, albeit small, level of success. I NEEDED to do something. Whenever I would be talking to the kids I could see that they were staring at my hair, thinking about how ridiculous I looked while ordering them to brush their teeth or take the dog out. I could tell that with my hair such a riduculous hue, I was losing authority. I was not to be taken seriously by them, I was a clown, a freak, a "webkin".

So, I went to Target to get a new haircoloring kit. A blonde one this time, and I came home feeling that it would only be a few short minutes until I was back to normal and in complete control. Well, this kit did nothing. No color change at all. That, in my 18 plus years of do-it-yourself haircoloring has never happened. It was a frightening first. I thought I'd be stuck with gray. But alas, no- I had a highlighting kit as a back-up- I used that AND IT WORKED!! PHEW! I am not saying that my hair looks great now, and by no means is it in a healthy condition, but I look human again. No need for a wig this time, but I came dangerously close. I just wanted to put you out of your misery wondering how I was coping. Thanks for your kind thoughts!!!

Family Values

I know this is my second posting today, but something happened that I need to write, or I'll forget.. and I thought it was too funny to ignore. A few weeks ago, I was playing Disney Trivial Pursuit with Will and Jack when I saw that Will had a really REALLY long fingernail. I was alarmed because I usually clip his nails weekly, how could one have grown so disgustingly large? So, without saying a word, I got up to get the clippers and I heard him whisper to Jack " I think she saw it." I said, "Yes, I saw your fingernail. You are gross, and I'm cutting it now." They both started going " No No!! Don't cut it- he's been growing it for so long, we wanted to see how long it could get!!" Apparently, the times I was clipping Will's fingernails, he'd tuck this finger under and distract me, so I missed it altogether. Whatever, I am not going to be nominated for Mom of the Year, big deal. What freaked me out was the fact that when I asked him WHY he was growing this fingernail, he said, and this is a quote, " I needed a goal for this summer."

This was his 'goal'.

I tried to get my kids to read something substantial this summer as a 'goal'- I got Lord of the Flies for Jack ( "Boring", he says) , I tried to make them watch Gone with the Wind with me ("Hogwash!" they cried) In their defense, they did enjoy The Sound of Music, however, they DO NOT like it when I yodel during the marionette scene. At all.

Well, today on the way home from the store, I saw Will looking at his leg again for the zillionth time. I finally asked what was up with that and he said he put a sticker on his leg and wants to see how long it will stay there. "Why?" I asked, but in the back of my head I knew what he was going to say.... " Well, you cut my fingernail off, so I needed a new goal for the summer".

Aim high, my son, aim high!!

Oops, I did it AGAIN, dammit!!!!

I look old. No, It's not just because I am not getting enough sleep (Bella is getting new teeth and is up at night.) No, it's not because we have 2 weeks to get our back to school shopping done and I'm being run ragged. I feel great, I have tons of energy. I guess I look old because I have GRAY HAIR. Not natural gray hair, no... I did this to myself. Not on purpose, believe me. But, seriously, I have been coloring my own hair for years and can count on half a hand how many times it came out a normal, human hair color. Don't you think I would have learned by now? I have had platinum (not a cool, Paris Hilton platinum at all...) dark brown, light brown, and pink (also not on purpose!! It was a horrible accident, I don't want to even think about it..) But gray? I look horrible- Fred hasn't even seen it yet, and I am not even sure how to correct it. My hair is so damaged from the sun, it's not even funny. I think if I put one more chemical in it, I will have no other option but to buy a wig. Elisa saw me this morning and was staring at me- when I asked her what she was thinking, she said "I think your hair doesn't look good..." Sweet, huh? She continues, "It looks kind of black". I said, " I know I know- I'll fix it!" She walked away and came back with her new panda Webkin and told me I had hair like her panda's hair. I love how kids tell it like it is, don't you? If only we could all be that honest and get away with it!!!!