Thursday, December 4, 2008

I Hate Dolls

Hate them. So if YOU like dolls, please don't read this post, okay? But I have never liked dolls, even as a kid. I don't like clowns either, but that is a story for another day. Anyways, I try to hide my dislike (fear) of dolls from Elisa, who loves them. She asked for a Baby Chou Chou from Santa, which she will be getting for Christmas. It talks and crawls, and drinks a bottle. We even got her a stroller for it. I'm okay with it because it's hidden away in a closet until Christmas day. I haven't bought her many other dolls, and my parents bought her a Bitty Baby years ago- so she maybe has 3 or 4 of them. She doesn't play with them often, thank God, she likes her princesses and Polly Pockets, and so do I. But every once in a while, she wants to find a baby doll, put it in her stroller and walk it around. I put on a brave face and play along, but I am always looking for the doll to do something weird- I have watched way to many scary movies!!

Sometimes we go to an Amish restaurant that has a huge gift shop upstairs. There is a small room that is FILLED with the most realistic baby dolls I have even seen- from newborn babies to those creepy kid dolls who stand in the corner with their faces to the wall like they've been "bad". UGH- what sick-o made those dolls and who the HELL would want one in their house? And what about the dolls that are 4 feet tall? Elisa wanted one the last time we went to this gift shop, and all I could imagine was waking up and having it standing next to my bed. I know it's an irrational fear, but I can't help it. If that doll was in my house, I would never sleep. Once, when we were in that creepy gift shop room, Jack (who knows how I feel..) said, "Oh my God, Mom, I could SWEAR that doll's head just moved".. I must have looked like I was having a seizure the way I got myself out of there. So, the point is, I hate baby dolls.

So, a few days ago, Bella came out of the playroom with a doll I had not see in a LONG time- I barely even remembered it at all, so I said " Elisa, is this yours?" She said "Yes, I got it when we lived in our old house and I was three." It looks like an okay doll, but you turn on the switch and it makes cooing noises, it says 'Mama" and giggles a little bit. It's mostly just indistinguishable babbling. Last night I was brushing Elisa's teeth and Bella came into the bathroom with the freaking doll. And Elisa said "It got in the light." I didn't know what she meant, so I said " What?" and she says "That's what the doll says.. 'It got in the light'.." and I pressed the doll's stomach (where the button is) and sure enough, after the 3rd time pressing the stomach, it says clear as day, " It got in the light".... WHAT THE !@!#$%^&*??!?! I have goosebumps typing this right now- I swear. I am not lying, I am not imagining it, I am not even trying too hard to hear it. It says "IT GOT IN THE LIGHT"- what does that mean?!?

Needless to say, the doll is in the garbage can in the garage, waiting for pick-up tomorrow morning. The trash guy cannot come soon enough. Now I am re-thinking the purchase of the Baby Chou Chou.. I can just see it being all great for the first few weeks, and then hearing it say something like "Take me for a walk in my new stroller, beyotch!!" I will commit myself to an institution!


Jen said...

I only read "I Hate Dolls" and I started laughing so hard. The rest of the post had me roaring.

I'm not a huge fan of dolls either...I don't mind Bitty Baby or the American Girl Dolls, but I cannot stand porcelain dolls (my mother-in-law has a ton and they creep me out in the worst way) and I cannot tolerate dolls that talk. I always think of that Twilight Zone with the Talking Tina doll who threatens to kill Telly Sevalis. thank you!

My father's four youngest brothers had a life size boy doll when they were kids. My father said they used to dress it in their clothes and drag it all over the place. Once they were up on the roof of their house with it when my great grandmother came over. As she was walking up the to the house, they threw the doll off. She almost passed out because she was sure it was one of them. I think the doll was taken away from them after that. Hahaha...

Did you know there is a whole group of women who buy realistic baby dolls, dress them up in real clothes then take them out and treat them like they were real babies? They did a segment on it on The Today Show not too long was the creepiest thing I've ever seen. I'm sure it's on You Tube, but I doubt you'd want to see it!

Krissa said...


Thinking about it now, it may have been that very episode of The Twilight Zone that effed me up. When the doll says 'My name is Talking Tina and I'm going to kill you'... yeah, that may have been just the thing that did it to me!

Anonymous said...

LOL - this is a very good post. Although I don't agree with everything most makes sense.

Anonymous said...

I am laughing so hard because I saw the doll this afternoon before we went on our walk and I was wondering why a doll with all her limbs was in the garbage - now I understand. I too hate dolls and my girls were never into baby dolls.....hmmm. Not sure which mental picture is making me laugh harder, the one with you tossing a possed doll in the garbage or Jenn's dad throwing a life size doll off the roof while a poor old women was walking up to the house.

Thanks for the laughs!!!

Lisa Haass said...

That is freakish! Did she get wet? Either way, lose her. I hate dolls too - especially when their bangs are too short.

Anonymous said...

Oh this made me laugh, I think you have a poltergeist doll, keep the lights on tonight to keep it away.